Fortyphobic

I came out to my friend David on Saturday... not as a raving homosexual, but as a fortyphobic.
I've only ever joked with people before about how I feel about the big 4-0, but as we sat drinking our pint mug of Starbucks coffee, watching the world... and totty go by I came clean.
Getting older never really bothered me in the past, as each birthday came and went I was happy in the knowledge that I wasn't really that old.
But come next June, the 26th to be precise I shall hit that landmark age. The one so bad they had to invent a crass adage to make those hitting it feel better.

LIFE BEGINS AT 40


I didn't come out until I was 22, so most of my teenage years were spent locked in my bedroom, when I should have been out having fun . I think that this has left a tiny drop of bitterness hidden just below the surface and as I approach 40 it has slowly begun to seep out.

I wonder what it is like for young gay people these days? Do they still feel the isolation that I felt in the 80's?
Today, when politicians, pop stars and Christian Evangelicals are openly gay do young gay people take strength from that when they consider coming out?

I'm sure that coming out is as difficult for the individual today as it has always been, but I can't help but feel that there is a more secure safty net for those doing so now.

I had about 3 attempts at coming out, each time losing my bottle and scurrying back into the closet. My main problem, and I think that it is still the main problem that is faced today, was "what will my parents say"?
Of course, the things that we go through in life are what makes us who we are, and I'm sure had I come out earlier I would have been a very different person from who I am today... whether that would be good or bad no one will ever know. I wouldn't change my past though, because if i did I might not have experienced the wonderful things i did when I finally came out and got a life.

But it doesn't stop you wondering "what if"... "what if the internet had been around in 1984" for example.
Would having the freedom that the net brings have made me come out sooner or maybe later?
Had I had the opportunity to have sexual encounters maybe I wouldn't have made the effort to come out when I finally did, or maybe I would have met other gay people on-line who would have given me the support and courage to do it earlier. Maybe I'd have a arse like a wind sock by now!!!

What ever the outcome I do feel that regrets are negative things that can weigh you down if you let them, and its only now as I appraoch this birthday that they are starting to surface. I have no doubt that when I wake up on the 27th June 2007 all of this will be forgotten... until I reach 60 that is!!! When, if you happen to be walking past Starbucks, you will probably see two old men, drinking coffee, eyeing up the 40 year old!!!